Jokes and humour

[Lophophaps]

There's too much unhappiness. Talk of war, depression, Turnbull, Shorten, Trump, Kim, terrorism, and a lot more. So to brighten up the day, please post your jokes and humour here. A few to start.

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[Moondog55]

Definition of an UL walker, somebody who removes the battery from the electric toothbrush to save weight

[Neo]

Lots of funny stuff here
http://www.engrish.com

This is one I saved ages ago

[taswegian]

My wife was doing her usual browsing on the Ipad and came across.
(I'm just passing them on. Don't want a him/ she war of words. )

Sagging left boob says to sagging right boob, 'We'd better lift our game before someone thinks we're nuts "

Old dear thought she was having hot flushes then realised her boob had lodged in the mug of coffee.

[Neo]

Reminds me of the substitute teacher on southpark

[Neo]

Another one, somewhat bushwalking related perhaps
What to do?

[Neo]

Slow start to the thread.
The only joke I remember:
What's brown and jumps a motorcycle over your cornflakes?

[MickyB]

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could really see myself doing.

[Neo]

Slow start to the thread.
The only joke I remember:
What's brown and jumps a motorcycle over your cornflakes?

Weevil Knievel

Sorry that's all.

I did see a T-shirt that read:
'I don't snore, I dream that I am a tractor'

[MickyB]

Please remember to keep all jokes clean and non offensive.

[ribuck]

A bushwalker and Donald Trump are passengers on a small plane.

Suddenly flames shoot out from the engine. The pilot announces that the plane is going to crash, and they must all bail out. "We have parachutes on board," he says, "but unfortunately only two of them. We will have to decide which of us uses them, and who must miss out."

Immediately Donald Trump springs to his feet, grabs one, straps it on, and makes his way to the door. "I get a parachute," he says. "The world needs me. Believe me, I'm the smartest guy in the world." And with that he opens the door and jumps out.

The pilot says to the bushwalker, "Now we have to figure out which of us will use the one remaining parachute."

"No problem," replies the bushwalker, "the smartest guy in the world just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack."

[MickyB]

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?
He won the "no-bell" prize!

[Lophophaps]

In Jamaica, a coconut cream pie costs £2.30
In Cuba, a smoky fish pie costs £3.95
In Puerto Rico, a frosted lime pie costs £2.15
InTrinidad and Tobago, a banana meringue pie costs £4.00

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

[Moondog55]

Please remember to keep all jokes clean and non offensive.

Ta but the rule rules out all of my best jokes, even my clean jokes are filthy
Did you hear about the Kiwi farmer who walked into a Baaaa

[bearded bushwalker]

I have decided as a New Years resolution to buy a velcro wall. It is one New Year's resolution I can see myself sticking to.

[Lophophaps]

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[whitefang]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, the bar tenders says, "Hey we don't serve food in here!"

[ribuck]

Myles Dunphy and his son Milo were bushwalking in the Kanangra wilderness. They reached camp, pitched their tent, lit the fire, ate dinner, and fell asleep.

In the middle of the night, Miles woke up. He nudged his son and said: "Milo, look towards sky, and tell me what you see.”

Milo replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” asked his father.

Milo paused for a minute then said, “It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Also, that it's about quarter past three in the morning. And, meteorologically speaking, it seems we have a beautiful day ahead of us. What does it tell you, Dad?”

"That somebody stole the tent you idiot".

[Lophophaps]

Ribuck, I've seen that before, but with Holmes and Watson. It's still funny. True story. Arapiles, many years ago, a friend called GW pitched his ridge tent fly. In the morning while GW was aslpeep we took down the fly without waking him and hid the fly. GW woke up, and, much puzzled, asked if he had pitched the fly the night before. We said no, and he was sure that he had put the fly up. Later we told him what we had done, and he was very descriptive, said our parents were not married.

[ribuck]

Ribuck, I've seen that before, but with Holmes and Watson.

Oh yeah, the joke is not original with me. But I'm only posting jokes here if I can give them a bushwalking twist.

Like you, we also played a prank on a sleeping bushwalker. At a friday night road-end car camp before our walk, this guy was sleeping on a camp stretcher (those old-fashioned rigid-framed canvas beds that you used to find in disposals stores). He was sleeping under a fly, so we waited until he was sound asleep, then very gently carried his whole bed into the adjoining farmer's field where there was one of those tiny rural cemeteries with four or five family gravestones. He got quite a surprise when he woke the next morning.

[Lophophaps]

Ribuck, brilliant! Moving a bed like that is serious, and the best word to describe it is grave.

Tea is an evil substance!

Tea is much more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea! I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers up until 3.00 am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night long and into the morning. Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, just don't drink it ….

[taswegian]

Well those last two take the cake.
Thanks for sharing.

[ribuck]

A bushwalker walks onto a plane with two dead wombats.

The flight attendant says "Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

[Lophophaps]

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[ribuck]

You do not need a rope to abseil Claustral Canyon.

You only need a rope to abseil Claustral Canyon twice.

[Lophophaps]

Ribuck, I forgive you. LOL. The scan below is from many years ago. My understanding that abseiling without ropes is called falling.

Abseiling with ropes

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[ribuck]

Lopo, I see from your scan that there is no requirement that Bungee Jumping be undertaken with ropes.

[ribuck]

I went to ebay to search for one of those magnesium fire-starter thingies. All it showed me was 12,147 matches.

[ribuck]

What's brown and sticky, and found in eucalypt forests?

Sticks!

[ribuck]

A couple of bushwalkers had just finished a trip from Kanangra to Katoomba.

As they walk up the main street towards the station, a funeral procession passes by. One of the bushwalkers takes off his hat, and places it over his heart.

When the funeral procession has passed by, the other bushwalker asks, ''That was beautiful, why did you do that?''

The man replies, ''Well, we were married for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''