Jokes and humour

[Lophophaps]

Have you heard about extreme camping?
Its intense!

I have a dead budgie for sale, its not going cheap.

Groan button.jpg (29.2 KiB) Viewed 88378 times

[vagrom]

Lost & found.

[Lophophaps]

LOG ON Adding wood to make the campfire hotter

LOG OFF Not adding any more wood to the campfire.

MONITOR Keeping an eye on the fire.

DOWNLOAD Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE What mozzies do

MEGABYTE What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP A pub snack.

MICROCHIP What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE Stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart.

MOUSE The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME What holds the shed up.

WEB What spiders make.

WEBSITE Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR What you say when the Ute won't go.

YAHOO What you say when the Ute does go.

SERVER The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET Where you want the fish to go.

ONLINE Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

[CraigVIC]

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.

[Moondog55]

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.

We need a bigger groan button

[Lophophaps]

There was a Liberal sticker:
I'm a Liberal lover.

The ALP had a reply:
Liberal lovers end up in Labor.

[Moondog55]

I was thirsty and I needed water My wife asked my if I wanted salt in it as well as ice cubes. I didn't have to think hard before I said "No" A No-Briner really

[johnw]

I dreamed that I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

[GBW]

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[Tortoise]

Love it!

[Lophophaps]

Tortoise, this fits with your leave no trace views - pack it out in plaster. It may not be a bushwalker at all. It could be Bill Shorten after the election, multiple breaks.

[Lophophaps]

The new CEO sits down on his first day on the start of his job and finds a lovely welcome note from his predecessor and a few tips about the company. Underneath the note are three numbered and sealed letters with instructions for him to open each of the letters if things start to get tough.

After about 6 months in the job things are a bit tight, he is called into the board meeting knows he will be given a bit of heat about his performance. Just as he is about to leave he remembers the envelopes, and opens the first one. In big bold letters it says "Blame it on your predecessor". He is a bit amazed by the advice but went to the board meeting and blamed the situation on his predecessor, saying that it was taking longer to get things done because of him. This was accepted and business turned around shortly after.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

[Lophophaps]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am, can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the pavement! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you." She said is that you or the beer talking? I replied "It’s me. I was talking to the beer."

The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the hospital. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

[yogibarnes]

Why did the butterfly flutter by?
Because she saw the dragonfly drink the flagon dry.
Besides, the spider spied her!

[Lophophaps]

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

***

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box.
"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."
"And???" Bill asked.
"Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in it'."
"So what did you get her?" asked Bill.
"I bought her a deck of cards".

***

Setting a password ...

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[GBW]

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[vagrom]

Why did the tomato invite the mushroom to his party ?

Because he was such a fun guy ...

--------------------------------

A pie costs $3 in Jamaica and $4 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

--------------------------------

[Lamont]

Fly Mo.

[Lophophaps]

For those of you with a science background:
There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole. This is also known as avocado's number.

****** URGENT RECALL *******

Supermarkets are currently recalling toilet paper as the cardboard roll inserts are imported from China and there are strong fears the cardboard has been contaminated with the coronavirus.

The most recent purchases are deemed most likely to be contaminated.

If you have recently brought bulk supplies you are now at risk ... return that toilet paper and apply deep heat directly to your anus to kill any infection ... don't wait till it's too late

***
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask. I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

[Eremophila]

It's been a while..... time for some silliness.

[neilmny]

......
Setting a password ...

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

That's a ripper Lops.

[GBW]

[Moondog55]

An honest politician walks into a bar.

[Lophophaps]

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2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it's bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day-drinkers …

This virus has done what no woman had been able to do … cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture!"

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

I never thought the comment "I wouldn't touch him/her with a six foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!

Me: Alexa, what's the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn't matter - you're not going anywhere.

I swear my fridge just said "what the hell do you want now?"

When this is over … what meeting do I attend first, Weight Watchers or AA?

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer isn't working any more."

[Warin]

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[Eremophila]

(insert minimum number of characters)

[Eremophila]

This from some acquaintances in Belgium.... note that "connasse" has a number of different translations, not necessarily the first one you may find.

[Lamont]

The return of the thinking person's draught excluder.

Barnaby Joyce is Deputy Prime Minister.

[Lophophaps]

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[ribuck]

Three blondes were bushwalking in the Blue Mountains when they came across some tracks.

"These are dingo tracks", said one of the blondes. "No", said another, "they're wallaby tracks". "You're both wrong, they're definitely echidna tracks", said the third.

They were still arguing about it when the train hit them.