Jokes and humour

[Lophophaps]

My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and other relatives have always been keen on participating in athletics. It runs in the family.


What music do Santa's elves play at work? Wrap music.


A bloke who liked puns bought a Christmas tree and stripped everything off until just the trunk and branches remained. Then he hung a bullet from a branch. His wife and children were annoyed about this, and his wife asked what on earth he was doing. He said that it was the end of a song, The twelve days of Christmas. They looked at him, puzzled. Silence. He finally said that it was a cartridge in a bare tree.


Why was Santa scared of going down the chimney? He had claustrophobia.


How does King Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep pan, crisp, and even.


Where do you get milk from bees? Boobees.


Two blokes were having a yarn about their hobbies.
"I race pigeons."
"Are they faster than you?"


I like dogs, but the big ones are bit hard to eat at one sitting. This is why I use a doggy bag.

[GBW]

mosquitos.jpg (37.65 KiB) Viewed 50224 times

[GBW]

[Moondog55]

Just simply great
Many thanx, even Cecile is laughing her head off

[Eremophila]

Getting older is weird
because you’re still that same enthusiastic kid
trapped in a sh*tshow of a body.

[Moondog55]

Getting older is weird
because you’re still that same enthusiastic kid
trapped in a sh*tshow of a body.

Getting notifications that people younger than yourself are dieing of "Old Age" is kind of scary sometimes

[Son of a Beach]

I knew somebody who was studying to be a beautician at TAFE a few years ago. I even let her practice on my nails once (a nice lime green colour).

However, when I heard that she had missed a few sessions, I wondered if I should suggest that she take a make-up class.

[Moondog55]

We need to separate out all the dad jokes into a thread of their own so I can ignore them

[vagrom]

What could possibly go wrong ?

[Eremophila]

Getting older is weird
because you’re still that same enthusiastic kid
trapped in a sh*tshow of a body.

Getting notifications that people younger than yourself are dieing of "Old Age" is kind of scary sometimes

Reading about a member of "early 2000's pop group" S Club 7 having died. Now THAT's scary.

..... my brain is filling with all kinds of inappropriate jokes which I will keep to myself.

[north-north-west]

A Möbius strip walked into a bar, sobbing. The bartender asks "Jeez, mate, what's wrong?"
Möbius strip replies "Where do I even start?"

[Lophophaps]

A group of seniors were at their local coffee shop talking about all their ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even write the numbers at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," said one elderly lady.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."


***


My Favorite Things - Senior Version

Tune: My Favorite Things

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

[Biggles]

A group of seniors were at their local coffee shop talking about all their ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even write the numbers at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," said one elderly lady.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."


***


My Favorite Things - Senior Version

Tune: My Favorite Things

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

ROFL! OH, way big laughs from these. Too funny!!

[Tortoise]

From a funny signs video on YouTube:

The amount of sleep the average person needs is 5 more minutes.

Welcome to the assumption club! I think we all know why we are here.

The inventor of the wind chill factor died recently. He was 82, but felt like he was 64.

[bearded bushwalker]

I feel the journalists reporting the Elon Musk controversy as Elon Gate are stretching a bit.

[Lophophaps]

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

"Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather!

"And you think you have family problems!"

[vagrom]

Modern quotations:

Where there's a will there's a family.

[Son of a Beach]

Where do law-breaking rainbows go?

To prism.

It's a light sentence.

They get time to reflect.

[Son of a Beach]

Back in the '80's, I thought that all radios were boom-boxes. After a while, I realised that was just a stereo-type.

[ribuck]

These Artificial Intelligence image generators are quite amazing, being able to generate an image from a textual description, but sometimes they don't quite understand how the world works...

[Lophophaps]

That's a silly picture. I've climbed near there and fires are banned.

[ChrisJHC]

I dunno - some of the Alone competitors build their fires under their tarps and then get surprised when it all burns down.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Biggles]

Is the fire the only bizarre stuff-up of AI that catches people's eye??
How about the leg, all akimbo...

[Aardvark]

Not to mention the tent. Looks like two tents merged into one. Sloppy design.

[north-north-west]

I noticed the weird tent before the fire and the legs. And as there's so much snow so far down the rear mountainside, why is it bare where they're camping?

[Lophophaps]

I noticed the weird tent before the fire and the legs. And as there's so much snow so far down the rear mountainside, why is it bare where they're camping?

He's having a BBQ - Bear Grilles.

[ribuck]

And where did the firewood come from?

[Moondog55]

'Twas carried there by a long train of faithful tho under-paid coolies.

[north-north-west]

And where did the firewood come from?

I once met a bunch of twits near Mt Townsend who'd carried firewood up from somewhere down below (they came up via Dead Horse Gap). They claimed to have somehow not seen any of the signs about not having fires on the Main Range.
There were discouraged from using said wood when told that I'd dump all their gear on any fire they tried lighting there.

[north-north-west]

The leprosy is bad this morning. Still, musn't crumble.